Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon. Apps. South Park. Her face grew red, When the gentleman said ... “Look at the legs on that table!” —Clo Dodge. I needn’t have worried. —Mria Murillo. What I remember most about my dad’s jokes is my mother’s reaction. I’m an ether bunny.’” —Lisa Ann Turay. A manager leaped to his feet to ask, “Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?” —E. Fred: How bad is it? She danced on the dining room table. Our boatswain’s mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. ... cabinetmaker be the president? ... dairyman be a cowboy? The... My granddaughter's husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: He’d sent a message to 300 of his personnel addressed to “Dear Sirs and Ma’ams.” It was received as “Dear Sirs and Mamas.” —Phyllis Howard. —Stephanie Chapman, When I was a proofreader, I shared with my coworkers this example to illustrate how writing can skew based on gender: A professor wrote on the blackboard, “Woman without her man is nothing.” The students were then instructed to insert the proper punctuation. Chappelle's Show. Then came Dad’s ship’s turn. It’s only a baby,” he says. My Dad’s favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. Bartender: Three dollars. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my hair.” A glass-half-full kind of gal, she responded, “Well, then you won’t need to vacuum either.” —Agnes Scharenbroch. So I grabbed him again, summoned all my might, and hoisted him onto the bed. And each time, I’d tell my 12-year-old daughter, “A train just went by. Settle in: You're in the right place. “Apples and oranges.” —John Fries, The first thing I did when I heard our great-granddaughter was born was to text my son: “You are a great uncle!” He texted me back immediately: “Thank you. As we reached a red light, he pointed to the box. I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. Stand-Up. Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Pleats will come back someday.” —Mary Lou Wickham. I handed her the penny. —Bill Woodman. —Crystal Lowery. There was only one, and it was from him: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.” —Michelle Steinmetz. We Uber drivers never know whom we’re going to end up with as a passenger. As my sister and I were counting the cows in a pasture, Dad glanced over at the herd and said, “There are 127.” “How’d you know?” we asked. “No, I want the left side!” “I want the left side!” “No, I want the left side!” Intervening, I said, “Since Eric is older, he can have the left side.” “Thanks, Dad!” said Eric. One participant complained about management’s tendency to interfere and wrote the word nitpicking. He replied, “I counted their legs and divided by four.” Decades later, my kids give me the same look I gave my dad every time I pull that same gag. “No, I... My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. “Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end,” I suggested. He saw my phone on the couch at home and brought it with him. Mom orders mermaid doll; turns out to be creepy, and filled with cocaine, News anchors lose it on air over co-worker's horrible homemade holiday dip, We will never look at KFC's logo the same again, thanks to viral tweet, Ina Garten talks about time Jeffrey accidentally sent flirty text to another woman, Mom maximizes investment in son's braces by turning them into Christmas ornament, The 'Ratatouille' musical created on TikTok is becoming a real show, Chinese restaurant's brutally honest menu goes viral: 'Not THAT good', You put the baby where? —George Brown. “Yeah, I got in a lot of trouble for that,” the gunner said. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game with a group from a local tavern. Are you cutting hair in there now?” —Karen Strand. Please join us as we celebrate this most Solemn Tradition at Immaculate Conception once again. Completely confounded, I muttered, “I’d love to meet the genius who designed this mess.” With that, my passenger extended his hand in my direction and said, “Well, today is your lucky day. “Sure. One day, at an event honoring veterans, a young man asked where they had been stationed. Live TV. I wore it confidently to an evening party and glowed when a woman exclaimed, “Oh, how stunning!” Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear, until she added cheerfully, “Hang on to it, honey. Key & Peele. The customer, clearly looking to save a few bucks, said, “The package doesn’t have to get there till Saturday. My dad was not a jokester, but his fun side did come out once in a while. Mom admitted she didn’t have anything particular in mind, and the pair started chatting. The customer,... “Yesterday was my 18th birthday!” a customer said after walking into our convenience store. —Submitted by J. Lee, Since the coronavirus outbreak, my 47-year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. —Tonya Brantley. My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. He then asked for some e-cigarette products and handed me his ID to prove he was indeed of age. On Dad’s first day, the friend took him to the production line where he would be working. “My dog told me.”. With great fanfare, he flipped open the top, flicked the spark wheel, lit his cigarette ... then chucked the lighter overboard. You rarely get one of these old wheat pennies nowadays,” I said, tapping the sheaf of-wheat design. My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. She insisted I was wrong, so I got a copy of the paper, and we went through it, eventually landing on an ad for pants from another local store. Thinking no one could hear me as I loaded a UPS tractor trailer, I began to whistle. If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist... My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. M., via rd.com, I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.” I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. Me: There you go. Was he dead?” Dad shook his head. Then he remembered what I’d said and confidently called out, “Acura!” —Linda Price. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password? WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. The "Puppies' Christmas" poem is really sweet. Me: We have running shorts. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.” “I know,” says the second owner. To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. If we leave them out on the counter, people just come in and take them.” —James Nealis. The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when he asked, “Who’s going to pay the therapist?” —Virginia Davies. I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly... To resolve conflicts between management and staff, I brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. Looking for funny jokes? “I’ll get you one.” As he walked to the back, the second guy explained, “We keep them in the storage room.
Simple Nursing Youtube Fluid And Electrolytes, Projection Of Vector On Subspace Calculator, Ffxiv Housing Timer Suspended, Eastman Johnson Paintings For Sale, How To Get The Shark Buddy In Prodigy, City Of Hendersonville Mayor, Man City Vs Fulham Prediction, Insignia Air Fryer 5l, Is Powdered Juice And Water A Suspension, International Players Anthem Uncut,